Respect and Rhetoric

I recently watched a situation unfold where the concept of "respect" was at the heart of what became a conflict. There was an agreement of how the parties would refer to a situation they were trying to manage but when it unfolded publicly, the parties found themselves in conflict because their individual expectations were not in alignment; their "agreement" was based on assumptions. Accusations of "disrespect" were thrown at each other and each party sought allies to reinforce their position. This caused distress in the organization as sides were chosen and positions were polarized. This really upset the organizational vision that valued transparency, fairness and communication.

Respect has many meanings and if we aren't clear about what respect is to us personally, we risk failing to communicate the needs associated with respect to others. Respect - like fairness, a problem, equality, equity, inclusion, happy, fearful, etc. - can all have a different meaning for each of us. These differences are based on our values, life experience, socio-economic status, education, family culture, gender, race, age, and geography.

Our media is full of political rhetoric right now-it is an election year. I don't know about you but when I hear some politician support their statements and positions by citing "what the American people want", I wonder what American person that politician is referring to? These politicians don't know me and I am left feeling unheard and excluded. When I am sitting at the mediation table listening to two people in conflict and one person is unwilling to understand the impact of their behavior towards the other, saying "they shouldn't feel that way", it shows a disrespect for the other. The "they" in front of them does feel that way because they have different values and expectations than you. So the question is: how do we create an inclusive, equitable, fair and safe world where we can all live our lives?

I don't have a magic wand but I will offer - based on misunderstandings that lead to conflict - we can create a more harmonious world if we take time listen, be curious, ask questions, accept differences, and truly value connecting with and understanding the other people that we share this planet with. Or just our co-workers. We can also curb the generalizations and rhetoric politically, and recognize that "American people" are diverse and deserve to be both included and considered in all important decisions.

Revisiting the above scenario, when "respect" came up initially, the next step in the communication could have included, "What does respect look like for you?" "What specific actions do you need from me?" "What will feel disrespectful to you?". Instead, the parties went into automatic assumption mode and failed to understand what respect truly looked like for the other person. The conflict escalated and it wasn't until they both sat down to work through the issues that they began to understand each others needs. Their discussion also included how they would publicly share their agreement which included clarity, timing, who and what. It took some time for the organization to reset but the two initial conflict parties were able to effectively share a united front and be inclusive in how they moved forward in their recovery. They also demonstrated the organizational vision of being inclusive and transparent.