Cole was hired in early 2021. Cole felt satisfied with the work he was asked to do and felt like he was valued as a contributing team member with his division. His organization is now expecting employees to work in the office at least 2 days per week. Cole was at first hesitant about working in the office but now that he has started to get into a routine, he is finding that he enjoys face time with other co-workers including taking lunch breaks with them. However, most of his division team members have been resisting coming into the office. He is feeling disconnected from them and feels like they are shunning him because he is following the rules about coming into the office. He has mentioned this to his direct supervisor, but she seems to be aligned with his other team members. He is not sure who to talk to and how to address what is becoming an uncomfortable situation. He feels like it is escalating because his teammates “forget” to invite him to meetings and has noticed that his supervisor is treating him differently. He is considering looking for another job. What would you advise Cole to do next?
 
Cole’s organization is going through a cultural change. Although Cole was hired during a period where organizations were adapting to keep business moving, another change was inevitable and that is where Cole’s organization now is. Cole’s organization has established expectations but seems to be lacking a process to address resistance. And Cole is unable to manage the conflict he is experiencing on his own. He has not been offered the tools that an integrated conflict management system provides to give direction and resolution when conflict is experienced.
 
Integrated Conflict Management Systems (ICMS) is a systemic focus on relationship management and early resolution of conflict at the lowest (and earliest) possible level. ICMS can be considered a component of risk management and organizational development.
 
Going back to Cole’s organization and looking at it through an ICMS lens: when leaders began to consider making a change to a hybrid work environment, how were employees engaged in making the decision? What options were offered? Were employees encouraged to collaborate as a team to design a structure to meet the expectations? When conflict arose, how was it managed? What creates and triggers conflict? Are supervisors trained in conflict management skills? How does the organizations mission and vision align with interpersonal conflict management and autonomy?
 
When leadership recognizes that conflict is beginning to impact the bottom line (i.e., quiet quitting, sabotage, customer service, EEO complaints), the first step is to assess organizational readiness for creating an ICMS. I have yet to find an organization that wasn’t ready for an integrated conflict management process. The challenge generally begins at the top. This includes building the support and commitment necessary to truly embrace systemic change and create the process – a process that is fluid.
 
One only need watch an episode of Succession or The Office to understand how conflict can destroy relationships, create chaos, and bring an organization to failure. However, an organizational culture that recognizes that conflict is both inevitable and an opportunity, will succeed where others fail. And employees like Cole can be retained as they will feel supported and know the options available to resolve conflicts.
 
ADR Group NW offers a complementary initial 30 minute ICMS assessment. Schedule one today!

'Perceptions of an organization's goals, priorities and needs are sometimes varied within an organization depending on who you ask. What does your website or internal messaging say about the organizations goals, priorities and needs? How is this messaging experienced by management and employees? How do employees message their goals/priorities/needs and how is management supported in their response to goals/priorities/needs? When perceptions and realities collide or fail to align, this can trigger conflict. Much of this is considered to be a "hidden" cost. But is it really? How much does it cost an organization when there is bad press? When an employee does just the basics of their job and no more? When a manager leaves because they are unhappy? It adds up quickly and actually can be quantified (see MTI Cost of Conflict Calculator).

What can leadership do to mitigate costs and reduce conflict? One thing is to conduct an assessment of organizational readiness to create and implement an Integrated Conflict Management System (ICMS). Just like the systems that you have in place for ordering, safety, HR compliance, and benefits, an ICMS is your process for how leadership and employees will manage and address conflict. Conflict is inevitable. It is 2024 and expectations for how people will show up together to work and support the organizations' mission is far more fluid and ripe for change. Change = Conflict. Why? Because when we ask someone to do something different, whether it is how paperwork is filled out or how we introduce ourselves at a meeting, it is unfamiliar. Unfamiliarity triggers our amygdala response of fear because it is different. Building skills around emotional intelligence along with developing a system for managing conflict will support growth, sustainability and resilience as leaders lead through change.

Attached is a resource for identifying goals, priorities and needs within an organization from the different perspectives. I invite you to use this resource as a tool and share with those that represent the different perspectives. I can partner with you in facilitating an important growth conversation to talk about the findings in this initial assessment and then building in collaboration a process for managing differences that is as unique as your organization and those that rely on its success. Perceptions Assessment.

In Brene Brown's short animated video about what empathy looks like in action, the "helpful" giraffe is consistently offering the "positives" to help counteract the sadness being expressed by the fox. The fox says that "he's getting a divorce". The giraffe responds, "at least you are married.". Not helpful and not empathetic.

When I came across an article in The Guardian online titled "Don't Insist on Being Positive -- Allowing Negative Emotions Has Much to Teach Us" (by Whitney Goodman), it resonated with me. As a mediator, I've noticed that when people in conflict start to get upset, mad, even heatedly passionate, they are being real and true to what they are feeling. While we want to create a respectful place for constructive conversations that build understanding and resolution, sometimes we need to express the real negative crap we are dealing with. It can be uncomfortable for everyone, including the person expressing the negative emotions, but it is also powerful in creating a path forward that honors truly what the needs are of the individual. When somebody is in pain and feeling negative emotions, such as a loss of a marriage, an empathic response is to just be there with that person, to let them know you are there and will remain there even during this discomfort.

The article references "toxic positivity" which has us programmed to believe that optimism is always best. A parallel in the conflict management world is avoidance and accommodation style of conflict responses. Accommodators are viewed as "yes" people who agree with others. Sometimes they are overly optimistic in their thinking that they will go along to get along. Many accommodators are often disappointed and surprised when no one ever actually shows concern or interest in what their needs and solutions are. This false sense of optimism leads accommodators to resentment and sabotage when others neglect to show empathy and interest in them.

The article further talks about how negative emotions are helpful. "Sadness" can be a "problem-solving emotion". How? "Sadness improves attention to detail, increases perseverance, promotes generosity and make us more grateful for what we've got." Further,"It's the emotion that helps us connect to others."

The challenge for us is that we have not been taught to effectively manage conflict and negative emotions. It feels unfamiliar and unsafe.

I attended a Trauma Informed mediation workshop at the 2023 ACR Conference. Mediators are learning both the value and need to lean in to negative emotions, recognizing that many of these feelings come from trauma that we carry. Creating a safe and trusting relationship with a conflict resolution professional, whether a mediator, facilitator or coach, is critical and includes holding space for negative emotions. As a mediator, I am actively building my own understanding of my relationship with negative emotions and trauma. My role is to be neutral and unbiased, but I am a human and find deep value in connecting empathically and humbly with my clients.

What's your relationship with negative emotions? How do they appear and how do they prevent you from fully experiencing empathy and resolution?

Guardian Article
Brene Brown's Empathy Video

A colleague shared an article on LinkedIn about Ryan Reynolds and what skill he credits to his successes. Say no more....you have my attention! Ryan Reynolds has accomplished much in his life and career. From how he laughs at himself and the industry in Deadpool, to marrying the beautiful Blake Lively, making gin in Portland (Aviation), or co-owning a football team in Wales, the guy is amazing and enjoyable to watch.

He credits his success on a course he took (on a whim) back in his 20's. He believes that the skills taught in this course are responsible for the success he has had in his life. The skill he learned? Conflict management. He recognized the value of trying to understand another instead of always trying to win or beat them. He has been able to develop empathy and compassion as he created space for differences.

In the documentary, Welcome to Wrexham, you can see this skill in action as he collaborates with his partners and gets to know the footballers and the passionate supporters in the small community. He takes time to listen, ask questions, show genuine interest and concern. He also demonstrates collaboration, trust and a true interest in building success with all stakeholders.

Just another reason for me to appreciate Ryan Reynolds...

For the article, link here.

An article about toxic relationships just flashed across my feed (algorithms!!). To me, the term "toxic" categorizes someone who is difficult and best avoided, but not dismissed. Someone who you find difficult but maybe not in all situations. According to the article from the Atlantic, "toxic" is used to dismiss people when they do something that offends or expresses a strong emotion towards another. It shuts down any responsibility of the "victim" in recognizing their role and how they can be a part of the solution. It can create a huge divide that can damage families, roommates, neighbors and intimate relationships. According to the article, we are seeing "toxic" in social media and in personal relationships. When someone is labeled as "toxic", they can become an outcast.

While there are toxic relationships and toxic individuals, placing a label of "toxic" can potentially escalate a situation. And when we label others ("smarter", "dumber", "late", "fat", "skinny", etc.), we create a bias about how we see the other and how we project to others. Instead of using "toxic", be descriptive; describe the behavior that is creating conflict for you. "I get annoyed when you interrupt a conversation to talk about yourself because I never get to finish collecting the information that I needed. I would appreciate it if you would wait until I'm done having the conversation before you interject."

Be careful about labels and be aware of when we are using terms, such as "toxic" and the bias you are expressing. Check in with yourself to make sure that you aren't avoiding addressing an issue and escalating a conflict simply based on your own thoughts and behavior.

This blog is about reflections and frankly, I'm fatigued. Well, maybe stressed is more descriptive. 2020 was a difficult year, a frightening year, one of loss and uncertainty. At the end of 2020, we thought we could just write off the year and start fresh with 2021. I don't know about you, but 2021 has pretty much sucked. Yes, we have a vaccine. Yes, we know what to do to stop the spread of an aggressive virus. Yes, we know we need to be kinder, more inclusive and more aware. And yet we are still debating merits of mask wearing and vaccines. "My body, my choice" is a popular phrase. (Of course if you are a pregnant woman in Texas, you are an exception to this phrase.) Armchair "scientists" seem to know more than the actual scientists. Politicians have become experts on disease prevention. And the efforts to address systemic racism tend to be alienating the very majority that truly has the power to make the changes and address the underlying symptoms that are the very foundation of this country. It's just sad and I could go on and on, but why further fatigue and stress out myself and you.

Communities are divided. Families are divided. And guess what?? Holidays are just around the corner! Let's just keep piling on the stress factors!!

So how do we navigate this holiday season with our family and friends? The conventional wisdom is to avoid difficult conversations in the interest of keeping the peace. To support the growing movement of creating change, I'm going to suggest that avoidance is no longer an option. Silence tends to perpetuate individualistic thinking, racism, and exclusive behaviors. Yet, how scary is it to speak up when a family member or friend says or does something that is a sucker punch to your own values? What do you do? First, you have to decide what is right for you. Maybe it is curtailing the amount of time you spend with offensive family members. Maybe it is creating your own traditions without certain family members. Or maybe it is time to speak up in a respectful yet authentic manner. If you are interested in expressing yourself (and perhaps modeling positive behavior), using "I" language is a non-threatening way to express the impact of someone else's words or actions that are offensive and create conflict for you. And if you don't verbally express this, you can instead "think" in terms of "I" language. For example, instead of saying (or thinking), "You are a racist.", try:  "I feel angry at you when you call a person of color lazy because it makes you sound ignorant (or "that's not my experience") and would appreciate it if you would keep those comments to yourself". I offer the option of "thinking" in addition to verbally expressing because maybe it is not safe or you and the other party are not ready for a verbal exchange. However, this prepares your own reflexive response that shifts from attacking to impact language.

Avoiding doesn't build bridges and we really could use more building and less blowing up of bridges these days. We make assumptions about others without realizing how much we actually have in common. Taking time to have meaningful dialog and creating space for differences are first steps. Listening for understanding and empathizing with each other helps us to get along and be better together. Yes, it takes effort, a lot of effort. And yes, I know we are already fatigued but this is the type of "workout" that gives us energy, that strengthens relationships and stops us from being divided.

A colleague of mine recently posted about the use of the term "pivot". It's been popular (some may say, overused) during 2020 and into 2021. Pivot is defined as a noun, adjective and verb. As a noun, "a shaft or pin on which something turns". In the spirit of basketball playoffs starting this week, "a basketball player keeps one foot on the ground as he/she screens or pivots to make a basket." As an adjective, that same basketball player "uses the action of pivoting to execute the play." And as a verb, "to provide with, mount on, or attach by a pivot". Our basketball player "successfully pivots by keeping his/her foot grounded on the floor".

For organizations, finding that pivot to keep doors open and employees working has been a challenge. Creativity, risks, support from customers and shareholders have all been elements of a successful pivot. I was working in the US Virgin Islands when the pandemic started. The local distiller, recognizing the impact of the loss of tourism to the islands and a new need, pivoted to selling hand sanitizer. We saw this pivot across the country. Keeping commerce flowing from our homes instead of commuting to the office or adjusting shifts to reduce the number of employees working at the same time, are also examples of pivots organizations made.

Pivoting requires an element of change. Depending on how resilient and prepared your organization is, another pivot may be looked at with dread. As we move forward to more in-person socializing, working, and activities, many people are feeling unsure, scared and nervous. If you have ever tried to create a new habit, you know that it takes about 30 days. Pivoting back to a more socially engaged society after 14 months of creating new habits that are based on not physically being around people is going to take patience, understanding and a strong communication plan to support this next pivot. Everyone connected to your organization -- managers, shareholders, customers, vendors and employers -- are all in a different space regarding their ability to re-enter life after a pandemic.

An effective tool to overcoming concerns and creating space for inclusion is to conduct listening sessions or small focus groups. These can be done initially be taking an anonymous poll to get a pulse on concerns and questions, and then following up with a live session conducted by a competent facilitator to discuss the poll results and engage everyone in a problem-solving and information sharing session. At the end of the day, leaders are faced with meeting the goals of the organization, which includes getting people back to work. Transparency in organizational goals and options as well as open communication will help employees and managers make informed decisions.

If you have a gap in being able to provide this service, call us. That is why we are here. We will work with you to set up and conduct the poll and sessions. We will work to build trust in the process and provide leadership with constructive feedback that will better inform your next pivot.