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Creating Real Change As the year winds down, many of us begin thinking about New Year’s resolutions—plans to finally do the things we didn’t do in 2025 (or 2024… or 2023). While goal setting is valuable, it’s also common to fall short of the change we hope to create. There are many reasons for this, but one key factor often gets overlooked: change itself. Resolutions require us to do something different, and our ability to change—our adaptability—is closely tied to how we set and relate to achievement goals. Even when a goal feels realistic, it still asks us to shift habits, routines, or beliefs. That can be harder than we expect. There are very normal human responses to change. Many models describe phases such as denial, resistance, exploration, and new beginnings. Interestingly, we often experience them out of order. We may start with excitement about a “new beginning,” only to slide backward into resistance and, eventually, denial. For example:
This is where intentional support matters. Creating a Self-Care Plan or Resilience Map can help us stay grounded when change becomes uncomfortable. Thought leaders from Earl Nightingale to Jim Rohn emphasize the importance of writing down goals. Tools like vision boards, journaling, tracking progress, and visualization have all been shown to support successful change—not because they eliminate resistance, but because they help us move through it. As you wrap up 2025, I hope you take time to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished, reflect on what worked (and what didn’t), and care for yourself along the way. Building resilience isn’t just preparation for the new year—it’s what allows real, lasting change to take root. What is one small, specific change you can plan for now—including how you’ll respond when resistance shows up? *Adapted from Real People Real Solutions newsletter published December 2021 
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The Physics of Conflict: Action, Reaction, and Power Newton’s Third Law of Motion tells us that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. When one object exerts force on another, the second responds with the same strength in the opposite direction. In life, action often comes at us when we’re unprepared. We may not even recognize it as “action” until we begin experiencing a change we didn’t initiate. That impact may benefit some, but for those with less power—those on the receiving end—it can diminish quality of life, limit options, create risk, or cause real harm. Company policies are a clear example of action. When business owners, CEOs, or boards eliminate protections, shift policies, or allow inequitable work environments to persist, someone down the line absorbs the impact. Historically, unions are an example of reaction to those actions. Unions emerged in the late 18th century as workers organized in response to poor working conditions, low wages, and long hours during the Industrial Revolution. The first recorded labor strike in the United States occurred in 1768, and by 1794, the Federal Society of Journeymen Cordwainers marked the beginning of sustained trade union organization. Metaphorically, when you push someone down, they fall. A union can be the structure that stops the fall—or catches them before they hit the ground. This blog isn’t about unionizing, though unions have undeniably improved working conditions for many American workers. This blog is about reaction—how we respond when action is forced upon us, and how we retain or reclaim our power. Reaction is power. We can’t control what others do or say, but we can control how we respond. Collectively, we hold power. When people react together, they can neutralize harmful actions. Equal strength applied in the opposite direction can redirect—or even stop—negative momentum. Individually, we also hold power. Personal power begins with recognizing what we do and do not control. While we may not be strong enough on our own to stop a harmful action, we always have agency over our reaction. When I’m faced with negative action, my instinct is to push back. In my experience, that rarely changes the outcome—and I often fall anyway. Instead, I have learned to pause. I step back to see the bigger picture. I consider what might be driving the other person’s behavior. I even ask myself why the action landed the way it did. Only then do I choose how to respond. That pause might look like taking a walk, meditating, researching, or sitting with my emotions—anything that creates enough space to move from emotion to logic. I’ve noticed that when I feel the least powerful, I often discover my deepest inner strength. I have also learned that I don't have to go it alone. Reaching out to a friend or trusted colleague reminds me of the power we have as a collective. There’s another saying: action creates action. If every action produces an opposite reaction (afterall, action is embedded within reACTION), that reaction becomes the next action—and the cycle continues. In conflict, this cycle often looks like: Harm → Defend → Harm. At the mediation table, this pattern can change. We slow things down. We examine underlying issues and impacts. We explore options for resolution—and importantly, how parties will react differently in the future. We create processes that help prevent escalation and address perceived harm before it becomes entrenched conflict. When organizations take action—through policy changes, restructuring, or cultural shifts—that create the perception of ill intent, unsustainable impacts, or actual disparate treatment, Newton’s Third Law is activated. Reaction is inevitable. If you are on the receiving end, you may feel powerless. But your chosen reaction remains within your control. Mediators and facilitators help create the safety needed for these difficult conversations. We help rebalance power, ensure voices are heard, and support reactions that lead to understanding, accountability, and meaningful change. Reaction is inevitable. Choosing it wisely is where power lives.  Gratitude Today, I needed help with a home repair. My experiences at a chain hardware store have been mixed—sometimes I’m greeted and pointed in a direction; other times someone asks thoughtful questions and helps me gather exactly what I need; and occasionally it feels like anyone in a store uniform is actively avoiding eye contact. Today was different. Before I even asked, four different employees took time to listen, ask questions, offer ideas, and ultimately go the extra step to make sure the items would fit in my vehicle. I walked into the store feeling stressed—uncertain about the solution I needed and whether I was making the right decisions. Instead of wandering aisles in frustration and second-guessing myself, each employee I encountered made eye contact, genuinely offered help, guided me to the right products, and even offered to load my car—in the rain. I made it home, installed everything without incident, and the problem was solved. Stress reduced. Happy me. I share this because my sincerest hope as a mediator is to help people in conflict find peace and solve problems. Rather than avoiding—or looking away—I strive to truly see my clients and their vulnerability. I want to sit with them in their pain and help them discover hope and resolution. Recently, I worked with a team that had been entrenched in conflict for over a year. A new supervisor inherited the situation, and despite efforts to resolve it internally, the conflict escalated. HR reached out to me and key team members agreed to mediation. In the mediation room, there was deep pain, hurt, and disappointment. Once that was acknowledged, something shifted. The team moved from a dark place toward a way forward—re-engaging as co-workers and continuing the important work they genuinely enjoy. Each day, I intentionally seek out three things: something that makes me smile, one kind thing someone did for me, and one kind thing I did for someone else. Today, my bucket is overflowing. I feel lighter, more confident, and I’ve been smiling all afternoon. For my clients, I strive to show up and meet you where you are. To see you. To sit with you. And to support you in finding a solution-based path forward that brings the peace you hope for. To every client who has sat with me in a mediation room or a virtual Zoom space: you have my gratitude. Gratitude for your vulnerability, your willingness to engage in the process, and your trust in me as your mediator.  Joe and Joanne are both strong performers—but they can’t stand each other. As their supervisor, you’ve tolerated the tension, made work-arounds so they don’t have to collaborate, and hoped the conflict would resolve itself. Instead, it has escalated. Team morale is down, and now other employees are complaining to HR about the toxic environment. In response, HR and senior leadership want you to step in as a mediator.
The Purpose—and Challenge—of Mediation Workplace mediation is designed to foster communication, rebuild trust, and empower employees to solve their own disputes. It relies on respectful conversations, listening to understand rather than blame, and staying focused on solutions and future communication. The mediator’s job is to create the conditions for a constructive dialogue. The parties themselves should lead the discussion and generate their own solutions. But this is where many managers struggle. Why Managers Often Fail as Mediators 1. Discomfort with Conflict Managers who avoid conflict—often the very reason issues have escalated—may lack credibility with employees. When a supervisor has ignored or minimized the problem, employees may perceive them as part of the dysfunction rather than a neutral helper. 2. Compromised Neutrality In mediation, neutrality is foundational. But a manager-mediator is never fully neutral; if the mediation fails, the manager is the one who must take corrective action. Employees know this, and it affects how open and honest they are willing to be. 3. Being Part of the Problem If employees previously sought help from their manager and felt unheard or unsupported, the manager may be seen as contributing to the conflict. Even subtle biases or past decisions can undermine trust. 4. Inappropriate Humor or Premature Problem-Solving Some managers cope with tension by using humor or by jumping in with solutions. Both behaviors derail the mediation process. Effective mediation requires listening, patience, and allowing employees to struggle productively toward their own agreements. 5. Lack of Training Mediation demands skill in emotional intelligence, conflict styles, communication tools, and facilitation techniques. Without this foundation, managers can inadvertently escalate rather than ease conflict. When to Bring in a Professional Mediator HR and organizational leaders can recognize when a trained, neutral third-party mediator is needed. Many organizations train internal mediators through EEO or EO programs, but often the most efficient and cost-effective solution is to engage an external mediator. An external mediator:
Building Managerial Mediation Skills We offer Managerial Mediation as an add-on to our Conflict Management in Organizations training. To be effective in a manager/mediator role, leaders need:
The Human Element Managers and supervisors wear many hats. And while we may wish employees, like Joe and Joanne, would simply get along and focus on the mission, humans bring emotions to work. Those emotions shape behavior—and sometimes, that leads to conflict. Until AI replaces all of us (and even then, conflict may find a way), organizations need skilled, supported leaders and access to professional mediators who can step in when conflict becomes too entrenched. The Power of a Really Good Question
As a mediator, thinking about questions is an ongoing practice. Coming up with that really good, powerful question in the moment is hard. More than once, I’ve left a session only to have that question pop into my mind later. Not that the questions I did ask were ineffective—the process usually moves forward. But I often wonder: What might have shifted if I’d asked that one Really Good Question? Could it have helped someone pause, listen more deeply, feel empathy, or see possibility sooner? Recently, during a conversation with a family friend, she asked me a question that I’m still thinking about. It was simple and centered on change: How would I feel if the issue I was struggling with suddenly went away? My immediate answer surprised me. It was honest—unfiltered—and revealed something I hadn’t allowed myself to consider. That’s the power of a Really Good Question: it opens a door inside us that we didn’t realize was shut. But for any of this to happen, we have to feel safe with the person asking. As a mediator, I work hard to build that trust—by explaining my role, staying impartial, and resisting the urge to offer solutions. With my friend, trust was already there. I asked her thoughtful questions; she asked me one that invited vulnerability in return. The other side of this is reflecting on how we respond to Really Good Questions. Do they trigger us? Do we answer quickly to avoid the truth? Do we feel challenged and become defensive? When someone we trust offers us the gift of their attention and curiosity, a good question can help us grow. It can deepen a relationship, shift a perspective, or reveal honesty we weren’t ready to name. We may not know what the Really Good Question is that we need—but we usually recognize it when we hear it. Who do you want to ask a Really Good Question? What is a Really Good Question you wish someone would ask you? |
Sunny Sassaman
Sharing experiences and insights of reflection and conflict management techniques. Archives
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