In preparation for upcoming training, I asked my client for scenarios of when conflict occurs in their workplace. This helps with my process in customizing the training. One of the submissions concluded with "workers quit because of bad managers".

This really resonated with me. I have had a passion for wine for many years and decided about 3 years ago that it would be healthy for me to get out of my house (we were just coming out of the COVID lock down) and work in a tasting room. I figured that I could engage with other wine enthusiasts and the biggest conflicts would be limited to which tasting flight to select. I was welcomed immediately by the tasting room manager who recognized that my skills in communication and enthusiasm to share good wine was a good match. I like to think that I was also trainable.

Unfortunately, the structure of the winery was reactive, disorganized, and lacked a marketing plan. While the winemaker was very talented, he had a toxic personality. The owners were very dependent on him and allowed his abusive behavior in the workplace. The winemaker managed to chase off, usually in tears, not one, not two, but 3 tasting room leads during my brief tenure. The owners simply stood by. Meanwhile, sales are down, the remaining staff are unmotivated, lacks guidance and proper training, and are fearful. Wineries rely on club members and club members are fleeing as well. The personalized service and connections with staff that members appreciate were constantly in flux. And yet, the toxic behavior continued.

Does it matter if managers in your organization are toxic? Well, look at the above scenario. The toxicity leaked out and has started to impact the bottom line. There was constant employee turnover and burnout of those that remained. Personalized service and a positive experience for customers and members diminished. Meanwhile, the owners of the business had given away their power and allowed the bullying behavior of the winemaker to continue. The future is not looking too good for this organization.

I share this because at some point I stopped getting scheduled (I generally worked one day on the weekend and at special events). I assumed it was because of the staff turnover and I also prioritized my professional business over the winery. However, I took it upon myself to learn as much as I could about wines, contribute to guest experience, and be a team player. When obvious discord among the employees emerged, I would gently remind the owners of what my profession was and offer to help be part of the solution. I visualized a facilitated discussion where we could hear from each other and work towards solutions that supported the goals of the winery and addressed the conflicts that arose. Even though I was frequently referred to as being "over qualified" for the winery and felt respected by the owners, they never took me up on the offer. Still I was left with the question of why I no longer seemed to be a valued employee. Recently I learned why: the winemaker didn't like something about me and he had me removed. And the owners just stood by.

That hurt. But this is not just a story about me. It's a story that is experienced over and over by you and many others.

This is the real life story of a system that is dysfunctional and being taken down by one toxic manager. So does it matter? Do the technical talents of a manager compensate for their toxic behavior? Based on my analysis and experience, I would say no. The costs are too high. We can develop technical skills in people. If leaders are open to learning and held accountable, they can build their soft skills in communication and conflict management. Organizations are better served when they hire for emotional intelligence and true leadership skills which include the ability to self-regulate and manage conflict. And when turnover is high and abuse is tolerated, this is a system that is going to self-destruct. Workers quit because of bad managers and in a front facing service industry, so do the customers. #toxicworkplaces #conflictmanagement

I recently completed a longtime goal of walking one of the Camino de Santiago paths. Starting in Porto, Portugal and reaching Santiago, Spain 170 miles later (or 280 km per my Compostela), I arrived after 14 days. When someone asked me how I did this pilgrimage, I responded in all honesty "by placing one front in front of the other". Everyday began by lacing up my shoes and putting one foot in front of the other along the path. Sometimes taking that first step was the hardest but it was also necessary in order to keep moving forward and complete my journey.

When we are faced with conflict, sometimes taking that first step of doing something about the conflict can be the hardest step. It may feel risky. We may feel unprepared. The other may respond in a manner that puts blame on you, resists, or deflects. We may also fear escalation and retaliation. However, those types of responses are indicative of avoidance. It can be hard to face our issues, the impacts our behaviors have had on others and take responsibility. It is unknown what can happen if we decide to engage with another that we feel conflict with. Approaching the other with compassion, empathy, and face saving techniques are some ways to open up the path for having an important and difficult conversation.

Before I embarked on my pilgrimage, I tested out several brands of shoes. Once I found the pair that seemed to be the best fit, I walked many more miles and carried my backpack just to help me be as prepared as possible. I joined hiking groups to challenge myself and shared my training with my pilgrimage partner to help keep me accountable.

Once on the path, that first day, nothing could have prepared me for the pain in my feet and the soreness in my legs. Stretching each day helped and I fell exhausted into bed every night hoping that the next day would be easier. The next day was not easier and other obstacles were faced; for example, many businesses are closed on Sunday's so finding food along the path was sometimes challenging. In addition to tired legs and sore feet, I learned that I get very unpleasant to those around me after 4 or so miles without food and a break.

And so we continued on. We jointly realized that we were finding no joy in our pilgrimage and  that we wanted to change our strategy. In addition to taking a rest day, we made a point to always visit a market each day to at least have a banana or bread to start each day, to take advantage of cafes that we came upon, and to not push ourselves to walk as many miles. It was a journey, not a race. We also checked in with each other regularly and gave encouragement when the other needed it. Mostly, we gave each other space even when we were literally on the same path.

Before we engage in conflict resolution, it is helpful to be prepared. A conflict coach can help you assess both your needs and also that of your conflict partner. A coach can help you better understand yourself in conflict and prepare you for the conversation. If you are working with a mediator, a mediator can provide a pre-mediation coaching session to help you understand the process, the role of the mediator and strategize how you are going to negotiate. Committing to resolving the conflict requires preparation, patience and risk. Putting one foot in front of the other, taking a break, facing obstacles, reassessing, and commitment are all key elements to conflict resolution, just as a I experienced on my path to Santiago. There were moments of pain, joy, risk, and accomplishment-especially in the those moments when I started doubting myself. Once we believe we can do something, we can. And we can further extend that spirit to the other.

As a mediator, I remain optimistic in the human spirit to want peace and be able to resolve conflict that we are all faced with. Preparation, reassessment, empathy and commitment are all components that help support us in the goals we set for ourselves.