In pre-mediation work, when I meet one-on-one with clients to assess and confidentially hear about their perspective of the conflict, what their needs are, and ideas for resolution, I often find that I am talking to two (or more) people that both see themselves as a "victim". They were both equally hurt or wronged by the other and it is the other's responsibility to fix the problem. They are each "not the problem".

What is present in the perspective of each client is attribution theory, where we judge ourselves by our intentions and the other by the impact of their actions towards us. What is lacking in the perspective of each client is accountability.  "To be accountable means that we are willing to be responsible to another person for our behavior and it implies a level of submission to another's opinions and viewpoints." - Wayde Goodall. "For most people, blaming others is a subconscious mechanism for avoiding accountability. In reality, the only thing in your way is YOU." - Steve Maraboli.

Remember that when you point your finger at another, you have 4 pointing right back at you. Take a moment to consider your own actions and see if they align with the perspective of your "intentions". Put yourself in their shoes or step back, and take a look at your behavior from a third-party perspective. Does what you see reflect someone who is accountable or do you see someone who is rigid and difficult? Accountability means taking responsibility for your own contributions to the conflict. It might feel uncomfortable to make yourself vulnerable as you create space to consider how your behavior may be a contributing factor to the conflict. Further, if you are unable to move yourself into the space of accountability, perhaps there is a deeper psychological block that could be better explored with a therapist. We tend to retreat to familiar behaviors when faced with adversity, and often do so without even understanding why.

A skilled mediator will work with you to embrace opportunities that include building personal accountability through the mediation process. Ground rules to reduce trauma and create a safe space for dialog is one tool. Another is continuing to work together as well as in separate caucuses to explore issues and solutions privately. A skilled mediator will support opportunities for reconciliation and acknowledgment for behaviors experienced. A skilled mediator will also help the parties create accountability for how to best move forward that may include effective ways to address future conflict and minimize the negative impact.

Recently, I was asked to provide a workshop as part of an all day team building event. The team of 12 had been through some challenges and were on the other side of rebuilding their identity. During intake, I learned that this team tended to be scientific and logically oriented. When I suggested the topic of Emotional Intelligence and Communication, the supervisor enthusiastically supported. We agreed to a 2-hour virtual session.

I share this as a lesson in flexibility and collaboration. The supervisor had a prior team building experience in mind that left her feeling positive and excited. While I was unable to replicate the content of that experience, I was able to provide them with an engagement that left them feeling positive, excited and curious. The curiosity came from the opportunity to step out of the logical side of the brain and focus on building individual and team success through the engagement of emotional intelligence. This was done by demonstrating how emotional intelligence elevates the interpersonal experiences that we have with each other and offering actual ways to perform and engage in building our emotional intelligence. The team had the smarts and IQ that landed them the high level positions that they held; the awareness of the emotional intelligence competencies gave them the tools and opportunity to experience the personal success that may have been missing in their careers. And in life.

Feedback from the supervisor included: "she (provided) a...teambuilding session covering emotional intelligence, conflict management, and communication styles, synthesizing a large amount of data and providing it to staff in an easily understandable, digestible, and approachable manner."

Are you ready to elevate your teams performance and success? Call today to schedule a workshop.