Does your organization include a conflict management pledge and policy in your new hire packet? Does your internal conflict management policy and procedure define what "professional workplace" means? If conflict keeps escalating and does not seem to have a way forward for resolving, your organization may benefit from collaboration with a conflict management and dispute resolution consultant to address this deficit in your organization. The investment in time and cost to develop a comprehensive, yet simple, conflict management and resolution workplace policy that identifies the expected behaviors, provides definitions and incorporates a proactive system for positively addressing conflict will be a worthwhile investment.

For example, crafting a New Hire Conflict Resolution Pledge can save an organization time and create clear expectations and accountability in the hiring process. A company Conflict Resolution policy will clarify expected conduct and behavior that includes how the company defines conflict and the very sources of conflict. Integrating skill training will increase both the capacity and accountability for all employees and managers. Clearing stating the process for addressing conflict (i.e., lowest level to taking it to a third party) further demonstrates the organizations commitment to constructive conflict management by letting employees know what their options are.

I invite you to contact us for an initial complementary assessment to determine what your needs are. We have standard programs and customizable options.

There has been a lot of change in the last few weeks. Some of these changes may feel welcomed but for many, the uncertainty and frustration is real. It can also feel overwhelming.

I became a mediator because of my strong values of fairness and access to justice. I believe in our Constitution and the Rule of Law. It is what makes a democracy a democracy and a society civil. This country is not perfect and the awareness that the prosperity and enjoyment of an American life has, and continues, to come at the expense of others not having the same access and enjoyment.

As a mediator, I value the process of creating a balance in the mediation space where all parties are "equal" in their ability to self-determine how they want to be present, give voice to what they want to share, and what outcomes they want to agree to.  Power differentials continue but in that moment, a mediator works with the parties where empathy, understanding and compassion can exist within the sanctity of the mediation space. In my opinion, the best outcomes of mediation are where empathy, understanding and compassion become the new normal for parties --the friends, co-workers, neighbors, parents, families -- and continue beyond the mediation experience.

If you are feeling helpless and unsure about how you can bring your voice to those that are elected to represent your interests, whatever your values are, I challenge you to daily reach out and make your voice heard; to express your opinions, needs and values. Mediation helps to humanize relationships by bringing people together to voice and address their needs. I believe that by calling our Representatives, Senators and the White House -- even those that don't officially represent you -- you will be heard. Your voice matters so use it.

White House 202-456-1414 or 202-456-1111 to leave a comment.
Capitol 202-224-3121 (ask to speak to whomever you choose).

The pictures of the LA fires feature images of the firefighters as much as the devastation and the survivors. Look closely at some of those images; do you see the wildland firefighters wearing yellow hardhats, shirts and gloves, each carrying a heavy backpack, tools, personal safety equipment? How about the images of them either trudging up a hill towards smoke in a single file, digging a line, or removing vegetation to try and stop the advancement of the fire. These firefighters are with CalFire, the US Forest Service and other wildland units that now include members from Mexico, Canada and other states. Some firefighters work for private companies. I don’t know if the Boise Hotshots and other Idaho units are deployed to California but I do know that the men and women who serve the public in a wildland firefighting role are paid basically minimum wage, sleep on the ground in austere conditions, have to walk miles to just get to the location where they will start “working”, rarely receive health and medical benefits year round, and are away from their families and loved ones for long stretches as a “roll” is for 2-weeks or more at a time. And of course, they put themselves right in the center of danger. Until last summer, my son spent 4 seasons as a wildland firefighter working out of bases in Idaho. When I look at the faces of the firefighters in LA, I see my son.
 
Because these current fires are of the wildland nature but right in the heart of a city, it seems that photographers can capture more images of the wildland firefighters than we typically see. I am mesmerized by the images and can’t stop thinking of the individuals fighting the fires and the stress on the mothers (and families) who are now able to witness through the lens of a camera the work that these firefighters do. The sooty faces and shirts, the smoking ground they walk through, the remoteness of where they hike in to work, and the tiredness captured in their faces. The images show us the day-to-day challenges wildland firefighters must endure each time they are called out to support fire suppression. Yes, we say firefighters are heroes. But the image of a heroic firefighter tends to be the one in the red or yellow fire truck who leaves the fire house and comes to the aid of the community. Their work is incredibly brave and important to the communities that they serve. But these are also firefighters who work a 24-hour shift and can shower, enjoy a hot meal, and receive quality health care and retirement benefits. Wildland firefighters rarely enjoy these “comforts” when they are on duty. It’s an MRE, no shower, limited benefits and sleeping on the ground or in a the cab of their overland vehicle when they get a break.
 
Experts are identifying that we need to fight fires differently. Climate change as well as humans creating communities further into high-risk fire areas show that both the frequency and the intensity of fires are growing, and that the loss of property is becoming untenable to insure and recover from. Putting wildland firefighter’s lives on the line, again for low pay and minimal benefits, is not a solution. Our leaders are willing to sacrifice both the lives of firefighters as well as the humans impacted by climate change by not acknowledging and prioritizing policies that support climate action. Do you think that anyone in Pacific Palisades or Altadena or Maui or Paradise or New York ever expected to be impacted by fire? Or fires raging in November and January? Or hurricane force winds that are not accompanied by any rain in the middle of the Pacific? We need political, private and governmental leaders that are willing to step up, create policies and take action to stop the degradation to our planet, and for private companies to voluntarily enact corporate actions that are focused on environmental health and less on shareholder profits. At the end of the day, no human on this planet avoids the impact of not addressing climate change. (See this piece in the NYTimes by a former firefighter).
 
What motivates someone to become a wildland firefighter? I am not exactly sure, but one commonality is clearly the willingness to work hard. Firefighting requires a high degree of trust with your fellow firefighters. Each must have the others back and respect the chain of command. There is a sense of belonging and brotherhood. While firefighting is still predominately male, women are also taking on the role. The experience that one can gain in this line of work includes transferable skills in leadership, risk taking, hard work, sacrifice and collaboration. And for others, like my son, it gave him the experience that he needed to realize his dream job: firefighter for the County of Maui.
 
We can show our respect for wildland firefighters by electing officials that understand the need for positive climate action, are willing to create policies and take action on addressing the impacts of climate change. We need to hold all leaders accountable. We can show our humanity by making sure that these brave wildland firefighters receive a living wage commensurate with the risk that they take in their work, are equipped with the proper tools and have access to health care benefits. And be confident that our leaders are working to reduce the extreme fires by listening to the experts who have real solutions.

Look at those images of firefighters, look deeply. Who do you see?

In the conversation between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu captured in The Book of Joy, they tackle many topics on the subject of joy. One chapter discusses the pitfall of optimism. That optimism can lead to pessimism. This stopped me for a moment; if you have ever been in mediation with me, you may have heard me refer to my own optimism that I bring to the table. After all, how can I be an effective mediator if I don't have a level of optimism in the human capacity to want to bring resolution and peace to their lives? How can I do what I do without genuine optimism in the skills I offer to others in conflict, optimism that I can help them make genuine change? What does this mean about the work I do if optimism can lead to pessimism? That the absence of success through a optimistic lens will eventually make me a pessimist?
I sat with this for a bit. And I cannot deny that this makes sense to me and may reflect challenges I have had working with other mediators. For example, I have served on non-profit boards with mediators. When it came to making decisions as a board, I can describe that experience as frustrating as mediators are not good decision-makers. By our own practice, we don't make decisions for others; we help to guide our clients through a process that empowers them to make their own best decisions. A group of mediators will kick the decision-making can down the road as long as possible. Is it a lack of leadership skills, a fear about the consequences of making a decision, or is it pessimism? We get elected to serve on boards with the optimism that we can make a difference but when we are faced with making hard decisions, we become pessimistic about the process, the intent of others and the commitment we really bring to serving the non-profit. I feel like there should be a joke in here...3 mediators walk into a bar, the bartender asks them what they want, they each turn to the other, no one can make a decision...they leave thirsty. LOL
What is the remedy for optimism? Hope. Yes, hope. According to the Dalai Lama, hope is the antidote to despair. Hope is an outward expression and can spread to others. It is defined as "to wish for a particular event that one considers possible", "to have confidence; trust". At the mediation table I can have confidence in the process that I am facilitating and trust in the human capacity to resolve interpersonal conflicts. With hope, I can support the "possible", to help my client change the narrative of their life into something that brings them hope. It manifests in a positive manner with the outlook of hope; no despair and certainly, no pessimism.
So how might hope help a board full of mediators? If we hope to make a difference, to serve our membership in our trusted capacity as a board member, we can began to trust each other and work towards a shared vision of what is possible. Hope helps us to both consider and take action towards the possible.
I recommend listening to The Book of Joy. It is a delightful conversation as well as inspiring. If you are feeling despair, try looking outward, choose hope and know that hope is the antidote to despair. Try opening your heart to others. You can find joy.

In preparation for upcoming training, I asked my client for scenarios of when conflict occurs in their workplace. This helps with my process in customizing the training. One of the submissions concluded with "workers quit because of bad managers".

This really resonated with me. I have had a passion for wine for many years and decided about 3 years ago that it would be healthy for me to get out of my house (we were just coming out of the COVID lock down) and work in a tasting room. I figured that I could engage with other wine enthusiasts and the biggest conflicts would be limited to which tasting flight to select. I was welcomed immediately by the tasting room manager who recognized that my skills in communication and enthusiasm to share good wine was a good match. I like to think that I was also trainable.

Unfortunately, the structure of the winery was reactive, disorganized, and lacked a marketing plan. While the winemaker was very talented, he had a toxic personality. The owners were very dependent on him and allowed his abusive behavior in the workplace. The winemaker managed to chase off, usually in tears, not one, not two, but 3 tasting room leads during my brief tenure. The owners simply stood by. Meanwhile, sales are down, the remaining staff are unmotivated, lacks guidance and proper training, and are fearful. Wineries rely on club members and club members are fleeing as well. The personalized service and connections with staff that members appreciate were constantly in flux. And yet, the toxic behavior continued.

Does it matter if managers in your organization are toxic? Well, look at the above scenario. The toxicity leaked out and has started to impact the bottom line. There was constant employee turnover and burnout of those that remained. Personalized service and a positive experience for customers and members diminished. Meanwhile, the owners of the business had given away their power and allowed the bullying behavior of the winemaker to continue. The future is not looking too good for this organization.

I share this because at some point I stopped getting scheduled (I generally worked one day on the weekend and at special events). I assumed it was because of the staff turnover and I also prioritized my professional business over the winery. However, I took it upon myself to learn as much as I could about wines, contribute to guest experience, and be a team player. When obvious discord among the employees emerged, I would gently remind the owners of what my profession was and offer to help be part of the solution. I visualized a facilitated discussion where we could hear from each other and work towards solutions that supported the goals of the winery and addressed the conflicts that arose. Even though I was frequently referred to as being "over qualified" for the winery and felt respected by the owners, they never took me up on the offer. Still I was left with the question of why I no longer seemed to be a valued employee. Recently I learned why: the winemaker didn't like something about me and he had me removed. And the owners just stood by.

That hurt. But this is not just a story about me. It's a story that is experienced over and over by you and many others.

This is the real life story of a system that is dysfunctional and being taken down by one toxic manager. So does it matter? Do the technical talents of a manager compensate for their toxic behavior? Based on my analysis and experience, I would say no. The costs are too high. We can develop technical skills in people. If leaders are open to learning and held accountable, they can build their soft skills in communication and conflict management. Organizations are better served when they hire for emotional intelligence and true leadership skills which include the ability to self-regulate and manage conflict. And when turnover is high and abuse is tolerated, this is a system that is going to self-destruct. Workers quit because of bad managers and in a front facing service industry, so do the customers. #toxicworkplaces #conflictmanagement

I recently completed a longtime goal of walking one of the Camino de Santiago paths. Starting in Porto, Portugal and reaching Santiago, Spain 170 miles later (or 280 km per my Compostela), I arrived after 14 days. When someone asked me how I did this pilgrimage, I responded in all honesty "by placing one front in front of the other". Everyday began by lacing up my shoes and putting one foot in front of the other along the path. Sometimes taking that first step was the hardest but it was also necessary in order to keep moving forward and complete my journey.

When we are faced with conflict, sometimes taking that first step of doing something about the conflict can be the hardest step. It may feel risky. We may feel unprepared. The other may respond in a manner that puts blame on you, resists, or deflects. We may also fear escalation and retaliation. However, those types of responses are indicative of avoidance. It can be hard to face our issues, the impacts our behaviors have had on others and take responsibility. It is unknown what can happen if we decide to engage with another that we feel conflict with. Approaching the other with compassion, empathy, and face saving techniques are some ways to open up the path for having an important and difficult conversation.

Before I embarked on my pilgrimage, I tested out several brands of shoes. Once I found the pair that seemed to be the best fit, I walked many more miles and carried my backpack just to help me be as prepared as possible. I joined hiking groups to challenge myself and shared my training with my pilgrimage partner to help keep me accountable.

Once on the path, that first day, nothing could have prepared me for the pain in my feet and the soreness in my legs. Stretching each day helped and I fell exhausted into bed every night hoping that the next day would be easier. The next day was not easier and other obstacles were faced; for example, many businesses are closed on Sunday's so finding food along the path was sometimes challenging. In addition to tired legs and sore feet, I learned that I get very unpleasant to those around me after 4 or so miles without food and a break.

And so we continued on. We jointly realized that we were finding no joy in our pilgrimage and  that we wanted to change our strategy. In addition to taking a rest day, we made a point to always visit a market each day to at least have a banana or bread to start each day, to take advantage of cafes that we came upon, and to not push ourselves to walk as many miles. It was a journey, not a race. We also checked in with each other regularly and gave encouragement when the other needed it. Mostly, we gave each other space even when we were literally on the same path.

Before we engage in conflict resolution, it is helpful to be prepared. A conflict coach can help you assess both your needs and also that of your conflict partner. A coach can help you better understand yourself in conflict and prepare you for the conversation. If you are working with a mediator, a mediator can provide a pre-mediation coaching session to help you understand the process, the role of the mediator and strategize how you are going to negotiate. Committing to resolving the conflict requires preparation, patience and risk. Putting one foot in front of the other, taking a break, facing obstacles, reassessing, and commitment are all key elements to conflict resolution, just as a I experienced on my path to Santiago. There were moments of pain, joy, risk, and accomplishment-especially in the those moments when I started doubting myself. Once we believe we can do something, we can. And we can further extend that spirit to the other.

As a mediator, I remain optimistic in the human spirit to want peace and be able to resolve conflict that we are all faced with. Preparation, reassessment, empathy and commitment are all components that help support us in the goals we set for ourselves.

I recently watched a situation unfold where the concept of "respect" was at the heart of what became a conflict. There was an agreement of how the parties would refer to a situation they were trying to manage but when it unfolded publicly, the parties found themselves in conflict because their individual expectations were not in alignment; their "agreement" was based on assumptions. Accusations of "disrespect" were thrown at each other and each party sought allies to reinforce their position. This caused distress in the organization as sides were chosen and positions were polarized. This really upset the organizational vision that valued transparency, fairness and communication.

Respect has many meanings and if we aren't clear about what respect is to us personally, we risk failing to communicate the needs associated with respect to others. Respect - like fairness, a problem, equality, equity, inclusion, happy, fearful, etc. - can all have a different meaning for each of us. These differences are based on our values, life experience, socio-economic status, education, family culture, gender, race, age, and geography.

Our media is full of political rhetoric right now-it is an election year. I don't know about you but when I hear some politician support their statements and positions by citing "what the American people want", I wonder what American person that politician is referring to? These politicians don't know me and I am left feeling unheard and excluded. When I am sitting at the mediation table listening to two people in conflict and one person is unwilling to understand the impact of their behavior towards the other, saying "they shouldn't feel that way", it shows a disrespect for the other. The "they" in front of them does feel that way because they have different values and expectations than you. So the question is: how do we create an inclusive, equitable, fair and safe world where we can all live our lives?

I don't have a magic wand but I will offer - based on misunderstandings that lead to conflict - we can create a more harmonious world if we take time listen, be curious, ask questions, accept differences, and truly value connecting with and understanding the other people that we share this planet with. Or just our co-workers. We can also curb the generalizations and rhetoric politically, and recognize that "American people" are diverse and deserve to be both included and considered in all important decisions.

Revisiting the above scenario, when "respect" came up initially, the next step in the communication could have included, "What does respect look like for you?" "What specific actions do you need from me?" "What will feel disrespectful to you?". Instead, the parties went into automatic assumption mode and failed to understand what respect truly looked like for the other person. The conflict escalated and it wasn't until they both sat down to work through the issues that they began to understand each others needs. Their discussion also included how they would publicly share their agreement which included clarity, timing, who and what. It took some time for the organization to reset but the two initial conflict parties were able to effectively share a united front and be inclusive in how they moved forward in their recovery. They also demonstrated the organizational vision of being inclusive and transparent.

In pre-mediation work, when I meet one-on-one with clients to assess and confidentially hear about their perspective of the conflict, what their needs are, and ideas for resolution, I often find that I am talking to two (or more) people that both see themselves as a "victim". They were both equally hurt or wronged by the other and it is the other's responsibility to fix the problem. They are each "not the problem".

What is present in the perspective of each client is attribution theory, where we judge ourselves by our intentions and the other by the impact of their actions towards us. What is lacking in the perspective of each client is accountability.  "To be accountable means that we are willing to be responsible to another person for our behavior and it implies a level of submission to another's opinions and viewpoints." - Wayde Goodall. "For most people, blaming others is a subconscious mechanism for avoiding accountability. In reality, the only thing in your way is YOU." - Steve Maraboli.

Remember that when you point your finger at another, you have 4 pointing right back at you. Take a moment to consider your own actions and see if they align with the perspective of your "intentions". Put yourself in their shoes or step back, and take a look at your behavior from a third-party perspective. Does what you see reflect someone who is accountable or do you see someone who is rigid and difficult? Accountability means taking responsibility for your own contributions to the conflict. It might feel uncomfortable to make yourself vulnerable as you create space to consider how your behavior may be a contributing factor to the conflict. Further, if you are unable to move yourself into the space of accountability, perhaps there is a deeper psychological block that could be better explored with a therapist. We tend to retreat to familiar behaviors when faced with adversity, and often do so without even understanding why.

A skilled mediator will work with you to embrace opportunities that include building personal accountability through the mediation process. Ground rules to reduce trauma and create a safe space for dialog is one tool. Another is continuing to work together as well as in separate caucuses to explore issues and solutions privately. A skilled mediator will support opportunities for reconciliation and acknowledgment for behaviors experienced. A skilled mediator will also help the parties create accountability for how to best move forward that may include effective ways to address future conflict and minimize the negative impact.

Recently, I was asked to provide a workshop as part of an all day team building event. The team of 12 had been through some challenges and were on the other side of rebuilding their identity. During intake, I learned that this team tended to be scientific and logically oriented. When I suggested the topic of Emotional Intelligence and Communication, the supervisor enthusiastically supported. We agreed to a 2-hour virtual session.

I share this as a lesson in flexibility and collaboration. The supervisor had a prior team building experience in mind that left her feeling positive and excited. While I was unable to replicate the content of that experience, I was able to provide them with an engagement that left them feeling positive, excited and curious. The curiosity came from the opportunity to step out of the logical side of the brain and focus on building individual and team success through the engagement of emotional intelligence. This was done by demonstrating how emotional intelligence elevates the interpersonal experiences that we have with each other and offering actual ways to perform and engage in building our emotional intelligence. The team had the smarts and IQ that landed them the high level positions that they held; the awareness of the emotional intelligence competencies gave them the tools and opportunity to experience the personal success that may have been missing in their careers. And in life.

Feedback from the supervisor included: "she (provided) a...teambuilding session covering emotional intelligence, conflict management, and communication styles, synthesizing a large amount of data and providing it to staff in an easily understandable, digestible, and approachable manner."

Are you ready to elevate your teams performance and success? Call today to schedule a workshop.

Recently my city experienced 2 back-to-back extreme storms. These types of storms are being experienced throughout the US and across the globe. We aren’t unique and this seems to be the new norm. As I see the destruction and relive my own stress during that period, I wonder what it is that we can learn from this experience.  One thing seems to be that well intended policies created a decade or more ago to preserve an environmental goal may no longer be relevant. Portland is known for its trees and great pride is taken in preserving Douglas Firs, oaks, maples, and walnut trees that keep our city green. I can see 2 beautiful Sequoia trees that are 100’+ tall from my house. They are amazing and have an entire eco-system high up in the branches. These trees also share a 4,200 sq. foot lot with a house and at least one other tree. Some of these homes (and trees) are over 100 years old. Further, these magnificent trees are mere feet from fences, garages and homes. As I stood looking out at my neighbor’s stand of firs, 10’ from his roof and 30 feet from my house, watching them sway heavily with each 50-mph gust of wind, and laden with ice, I was feeling concerned. I sensed a conflict between well intentioned policies and the reality of change.
 
As residents of the city clean up and negotiate with arborists, plumbers, insurance, and the city itself, conflict is emerging. The city’s strict guidelines for tree preservation and the lack of autonomy for individual homeowner decision-making and safety has come to a head. Climate change means that trees and plants are stressed. For survival, the roots of some of these great trees are shallow in order to get enough water during the dry summers. Then the rains come, and it loosens the soil. Add the high winds that blow through the Columbia, and you have a giant potential killer. There are multiple stories emerging from these recent storms about how a tree fell on or near a home just missing a child or family member. Fortunately, most of the damage is to a structure that can be repaired and rebuilt. However, families are displaced, and lives are disrupted.
 
I love trees and am saddened when I drive out to the coast and through the mountains where there are visible scars from clear cutting. Whenever a see a logging truck, I “hear” the trees crying (or maybe it is just me). I love the greenness of my city; it is one of the reasons I chose to live here. I also see a city that is tearing down trees and communities to allow for development. The development approach is less tree and green oriented. The priority is maximizing the number of living units. This priority seems to increase heat as it reduces green space and includes no tree canopy. It almost seems that the city itself conflicts with its own policies.
 
The autonomy of the “current caretaker” of a tree (my neighbor of one of the giant sequoia trees referred to herself as such, which I loved!) is also responsible for the land, home and family that lives there. Decisions about whether a tree should remain or be removed is more complex than just a policy. The citizen resident lives with or next to a tree every day, gets to know that tree. If that citizen has a concern or request to remove a tree, the city representative has the opportunity to have a conversation with that resident. They can listen with curiosity, try to understand the perspective and work together to create an agreeable solution. Perhaps there is some assistance or guidance that can be offered. At the very least, empathy for understanding both the great responsibility that trees are for the humans (watering, picking up leaves, pruning) and the risks that they also pose (expensive maintenance, neighbor complaints, safety). Trees don’t have voices and humans need to be their voice and advocate. As the caretakers of these trees, many of these beautiful giants were planted before the current caretaker was born; we inherited the responsibility. And the trees that we plant today, will come into their own beauty long after we are gone, becoming someone else’s responsibility. The trees are counting on us to work together so that we can cohabitate together in peace. We need each other to be healthy.

#trees #conflictmanagement #cityofportland