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Joe and Joanne are both strong performers—but they can’t stand each other. As their supervisor, you’ve tolerated the tension, made work-arounds so they don’t have to collaborate, and hoped the conflict would resolve itself. Instead, it has escalated. Team morale is down, and now other employees are complaining to HR about the toxic environment. In response, HR and senior leadership want you to step in as a mediator.
The Purpose—and Challenge—of Mediation Workplace mediation is designed to foster communication, rebuild trust, and empower employees to solve their own disputes. It relies on respectful conversations, listening to understand rather than blame, and staying focused on solutions and future communication. The mediator’s job is to create the conditions for a constructive dialogue. The parties themselves should lead the discussion and generate their own solutions. But this is where many managers struggle. Why Managers Often Fail as Mediators 1. Discomfort with Conflict Managers who avoid conflict—often the very reason issues have escalated—may lack credibility with employees. When a supervisor has ignored or minimized the problem, employees may perceive them as part of the dysfunction rather than a neutral helper. 2. Compromised Neutrality In mediation, neutrality is foundational. But a manager-mediator is never fully neutral; if the mediation fails, the manager is the one who must take corrective action. Employees know this, and it affects how open and honest they are willing to be. 3. Being Part of the Problem If employees previously sought help from their manager and felt unheard or unsupported, the manager may be seen as contributing to the conflict. Even subtle biases or past decisions can undermine trust. 4. Inappropriate Humor or Premature Problem-Solving Some managers cope with tension by using humor or by jumping in with solutions. Both behaviors derail the mediation process. Effective mediation requires listening, patience, and allowing employees to struggle productively toward their own agreements. 5. Lack of Training Mediation demands skill in emotional intelligence, conflict styles, communication tools, and facilitation techniques. Without this foundation, managers can inadvertently escalate rather than ease conflict. When to Bring in a Professional Mediator HR and organizational leaders can recognize when a trained, neutral third-party mediator is needed. Many organizations train internal mediators through EEO or EO programs, but often the most efficient and cost-effective solution is to engage an external mediator. An external mediator:
Building Managerial Mediation Skills We offer Managerial Mediation as an add-on to our Conflict Management in Organizations training. To be effective in a manager/mediator role, leaders need:
The Human Element Managers and supervisors wear many hats. And while we may wish employees, like Joe and Joanne, would simply get along and focus on the mission, humans bring emotions to work. Those emotions shape behavior—and sometimes, that leads to conflict. Until AI replaces all of us (and even then, conflict may find a way), organizations need skilled, supported leaders and access to professional mediators who can step in when conflict becomes too entrenched.
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The Power of a Really Good Question
As a mediator, thinking about questions is an ongoing practice. Coming up with that really good, powerful question in the moment is hard. More than once, I’ve left a session only to have that question pop into my mind later. Not that the questions I did ask were ineffective—the process usually moves forward. But I often wonder: What might have shifted if I’d asked that one Really Good Question? Could it have helped someone pause, listen more deeply, feel empathy, or see possibility sooner? Recently, during a conversation with a family friend, she asked me a question that I’m still thinking about. It was simple and centered on change: How would I feel if the issue I was struggling with suddenly went away? My immediate answer surprised me. It was honest—unfiltered—and revealed something I hadn’t allowed myself to consider. That’s the power of a Really Good Question: it opens a door inside us that we didn’t realize was shut. But for any of this to happen, we have to feel safe with the person asking. As a mediator, I work hard to build that trust—by explaining my role, staying impartial, and resisting the urge to offer solutions. With my friend, trust was already there. I asked her thoughtful questions; she asked me one that invited vulnerability in return. The other side of this is reflecting on how we respond to Really Good Questions. Do they trigger us? Do we answer quickly to avoid the truth? Do we feel challenged and become defensive? When someone we trust offers us the gift of their attention and curiosity, a good question can help us grow. It can deepen a relationship, shift a perspective, or reveal honesty we weren’t ready to name. We may not know what the Really Good Question is that we need—but we usually recognize it when we hear it. Who do you want to ask a Really Good Question? What is a Really Good Question you wish someone would ask you? Finding Gratitude When Hope Feels Hard
This year has challenged one of my most deeply held beliefs: that at our core, people are inherently good. As a mediator, I see the best and worst in people—sometimes within the same conversation, even within the same breath. I’ve long held onto the idea that if we can just slow down and listen to understand each other, something human and decent will emerge. But this year… that belief has been shaken. Maybe it needed to be. I’m confronting a truth that is painful to acknowledge: not all people choose goodness. Some harm others without remorse. Some go through the motions of conflict resolution but have no real intention to change or to understand the pain they’ve caused. And yet—my work depends on hope. It depends on the belief that people can shift, that insight is possible, that connection can be rebuilt. When that belief wavers, I have to find another anchor. For me, that anchor has been Gratitude. Not the passive kind we sometimes mention around a holiday table, but an intentional, daily practice. A discipline. A way of looking for the light when the darker parts of humanity feel too close. Each day, I look for three things:
Simple. Clear. Repeatable. And it has changed everything. Today, I felt joy when my son set a coffee date with me. Someone at the gym paused to hold the door. And I helped a woman who was confused about a business relocation. Small moments. Easy to overlook. But intentionally noticing them shifts something inside me—away from cynicism, toward perspective, toward grace. Gratitude doesn’t erase the hard things I see. It doesn’t deny the reality that some people choose harmful paths, abuse power. But it does remind me that goodness still exists—in gestures, in connection, in the quiet moments of care that ripple outward. And for now, that is enough to keep me grounded, hopeful, and human. TALK: Building Better Conversations This Holiday Season
We often struggle with conversations — especially when there’s tension, misunderstanding, or outright conflict. These are the ones we label “difficult conversations.” But according to research by Alison Wood Brooks, author of TALK, we’re not particularly good at the “easy” ones either. As we roll into another holiday season, if you find yourself starting to sweat at the thought of small talk around the family table with relatives you’d rather avoid, read on — there may be a solution, if you’re willing to do a little preparation. Research shows we’re naturally drawn to people who seem similar to us — such as appearance, age, background, work, religion, or geography. Shared traits make conversations feel safer and easier to start. But they can also make our interactions predictable, limited, and yes, sometimes boring. Meanwhile, we’re surrounded by messages suggesting we have little in common with those who are “different” from us — that our neighbors are our “enemies,” our values incompatible, and our conversations destined for conflict. I challenge that belief. Perceptions and assumptions about others are not facts. So how do we bridge differences and engage in easier conversations? Brooks offers a helpful framework using the acronym TALK:
My biggest takeaway from her approach is the value of preparation — taking time to think about topics ahead of time, even creating a list. Not every topic fits every audience, and being flexible helps us incorporate how we ask, create levity, and offer kindness. For instance, at a business networking event, instead of leading with the tired “What do you do?”, try: “What are you currently reading?” It’s a great way to open the door to a more meaningful conversation. Or think about the classic Trader Joe’s cashier banter: “Got any plans for the rest of the day?” Simple, open, and easy — yet it often sparks reflection (or even inspires new plans!). And when you find yourself sitting next to that challenging relative at the holiday table, try something unexpected like: “What’s something you’re good at but don’t enjoy doing?” “Is there something you’d like to learn more about?” Brooks even includes an appendix with conversation topics — worth the price of the book alone. Like any skill, good conversation takes preparation and practice. Imagine the relationships you could build and the things you might learn simply by giving yourself the opportunity to TALK. Resource: Alison Wood Brooks, TALK: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves. We often place people in roles where their decisions affect many who have little or no voice in the process. Yet those same individuals are expected to live with the outcomes. Think of parents developing a parenting plan during separation — a plan that shapes a child’s daily life, but the child has no say. Or a CEO appointed by a Board, making decisions that impact employees who had no input on who leads them. Or voters in a democratic society whose voices are diminished when the candidate they supported does not win.
These are examples of what William Ury refers to as The Third Side — the wider community of people who are directly or indirectly affected by a conflict or decision. Ury suggests that when conflict arises, the most constructive outcomes happen not through force or win/lose negotiation, but by engaging the broader community to seek a “triple win”: a resolution that benefits Side 1, Side 2, and the community as a whole. Side 1 and Side 2 sit at the table, but they are surrounded by the Third Side — the family, the friends, the neighbors, the co-workers, the stakeholders, the constituents, the people who must live with the outcome. When we think only in positions — who is “right,” who “wins,” who is “on our side” — we leave out those who are equally affected by the result. Even those who support the “winning” side benefit from a solution that is durable, supported, and peaceful. True resolution requires buy-in from the whole system, not just the two visible sides. Engaging the Third Side helps create a culture of constructive conflict. It opens space for solutions that are not available when only two voices are heard. The Third Side can also be the shared purpose: the mission, the vision, the common good, the picture of success. It shifts the focus from how to implement a solution to what we are working toward and why it matters. When we invite the Third Side in, we move from adversaries to collaborators — and from conflict to possibility. Generations Across the Workplace: Baby BoomersIf you have a co-worker or manager who is often the last one to leave the office or who sends emails while you are on vacation, there's a good chance you're working with a Baby Boomer—those born between 1946 and 1964. This same colleague may also be the one who organizes the annual charitable giving campaign or monthly birthday celebrations. These behaviors reflect deeply rooted values of service, teamwork, and commitment. While many Boomers are reaching or have reached retirement age, a significant number continue to work. In fact, Purdue Global estimates that approximately 10,000 Boomers reach retirement age every day. This generation carries a wealth of institutional knowledge and professional experience and often associates authority with longevity and dedication. Shaped by events such as the Vietnam War, the Civil Rights Movement, Watergate, and the founding of the Peace Corps, Boomers witnessed how collective action can create meaningful change. As a result, they tend to value hard work, loyalty, and a willingness to “go the extra mile” for success. When working with a Boomer, it can be helpful to understand what motivates them. They are often driven by a sense of loyalty to the organization and pride in their contributions. Demonstrate your commitment by acknowledging their input, asking for their perspective, and connecting your ideas to the organization’s mission. Boomers may prefer more context or detail in communication, and they may provide you with the same in return. As with any generation, the best approach is simply to ask about preferences. It’s also important not to underestimate their comfort with technology. Some of the most influential innovators of modern tech—Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Richard Branson—as well as influencers like Oprah Winfrey—are Baby Boomers. As Boomers transition out of the workplace, they take with them significant institutional memory and historical insight. Younger generations can benefit greatly by inviting Boomers to share experiences, mentorship, and lessons learned. With their collective approach to work and their strong commitment to building organizations, Boomers have contributed to systems and opportunities that continue to shape today’s workplaces.  Generations Across the Workplace: Millennials If the trend toward work-life balance first emerged with Generation X, Millennials are the generation taking it to a new level. Born between 1981 and 1996, Millennials have experienced both a major recession and a global pandemic—two events that significantly shaped their careers and perspectives on work. Add parenting and raising children into the mix, and this generation has demonstrated remarkable resilience and adaptability. Lost your job because of the recession? Okay, I’ll move back home. Faced with choosing between attending your child’s ball game or staying late at work? Okay, I’ll call out and update my LinkedIn profile. Millennials place a high value on well-being. Most were raised by Baby Boomers—the generation with the greatest accumulated wealth—who worked hard to give their children more opportunities. As a result, Millennials are motivated by flexibility, purpose, and consistent feedback. Unlike Boomers, who averaged over eight years in one role, or Gen Xers, who averaged around five, Millennials stay less than three years in a position on average. Longevity isn’t their measure of loyalty; growth and alignment are. Two additional hallmarks of this generation are their expectation of feedback and demand for leadership transparency. So, what can employers and managers do to effectively motivate and retain talented Millennials?
Reference for more insight: IACC  Generations Across the Workplace: Gen X
The value of independence may be a result of growing up as a "latch key" kid. It was not uncommon to wear a house key as a necklace so that they could unlock the door of their empty homes after walking home from school. This independent nature may be a contributor to why 55% of startups are by Gen Xer's. Gen Xer's expect and favor diversity. The Civil Rights movements during the 1960's created pathways for Gen X to experience integration and social norms of diversity. Think about the 1980's. This was the emergence of the AIDS epidemic and also when we saw representations of celebrities and entertainers who were expressing their own identities and pushing societal norms. MTV, Star Wars and CNN all emerged in the 1980's. The Berlin Wall also came down. Gen Xer's also expect balance between work and life. In fact, it is notable that Gen Xer's can be resistant to change at work if the change causes any detriment to their personal lives. Additionally, Gen Xer's are motivated by professional and personal interests, and less so by the company interests. Giving time to a Gen Xer to prepare for change as well as be part of the decision-making, can help retain an employee who may otherwise see the change as a reason to leave. Workplace shifts to reducing or eliminating hybrid/flexible work schedules may impact the ability to have work-life balance. What are some guidelines for effectively retaining and motivating the Generation that will outnumber the Baby Boomers by 2028? As with any generation, recognize and adapt to the communication style that Gen X prefers. Long paragraphs or communicating after hours may lead to miscommunication. Like with Gen Z, providing the What and the Why of a decision, and letting the Gen Xer decide the How, will support the employee value of independence and autonomy. Consider leveraging the flexibility trait by inviting a Gen X employee to help you problem-solve or take the lead on a project. And also respect their decision if they decline to assist. As for technology, Gen Xer's had computers in their classrooms and cable tv in their homes. Remember Atari? This has helped to support adaptability to changing technology. Given that Gen Xer's are skeptical and efficient in their communication, leverage technology in a manner that overcomes resistance by demonstrating its efficiency. As I write this, I am painfully aware that I am biased as a Gen Xer. Ageism is real and influences our values and the lens that we look through. Of all the "ism's" we face, ageism is a leading cause of miscommunication and conflict. Taking time to appreciate and understand the differences requires putting aside our own biases. Focusing on the workplace mission, not the individual needs, helps us to see that we have more in common as members of an organization. Taking time to listen to each other with curiosity supports a more collaborative work experience.  Generations Across the Workplace: Gen ZIt begins with the organizations on-boarding process and continues with an ongoing commitment to training. That is, if you want to retain and motivate the talents of the Generation Z workforce. Gallup reports that 54% of Gen Z employees feel "ambivalent or disengaged" at work. We have heard the term "quiet quitting", where employees just put in the basic amount of effort needed to keep their job. The impact to organizations is that they fail to grow and leverage the talents of their employees. If you are reading this and do not identify as Gen Z (born between 1996-2010), consider the impact that COVID would have had on you as you emerged from high school and college during a worldwide shut down? Or the values instilled by your Gen X parents to feel safe and secure, which has translated to expressing feelings as well as needs for balance in the workplace? Or being motivated by understanding the WHAT and the WHY of a decision AND given the autonomy to decide HOW? Or growing up with a 100% access to and reliance on mobile devices? If you felt a gut reaction to any of the above or see gaps in your organization that reveals disconnection or lack of understanding, don't despair. Management has always been about leading people. While we are becoming more AI reliant, the robots haven't replaced empathy, connection and motivation that only human interactions can create. In addition to offering a robust on-boarding process, providing regular feedback to all employees builds value for the team and supports commitment to the organization. Franklin Covey has curated a list of Open Ended Questions for Better 1:1's with Direct Reports. Use the page link below or see #5: Hold Regular Check-ins. Feedback that may be meaningful to you may not be the same type of Feedback that your direct report expects and needs. So learning how to be a fluid and flexible communicator is now part of your responsibility as a manager. To build your skills in giving and receiving feedback, consider working with a coach. ADR Group NW collaborates with Nancy Pionk who is a certified Professional Coach. For more information, please visit www.nancypionk.com. To support ongoing soft skills training, consider offering Lunch & Learns. These short, focused workshops are designed to build skills in a consistent manner. For a current list of ready to go training, please visit the Training Menu. For an organization to thrive, it starts internally by creating space for all generations to show up each day and thrive. Thriving is based on transparency, clarity and the ability to accomplish goals based on each persons unique motivators. Our Gen Z employees are balancing optimism with pragmatism. How can you help them thrive? 100__questions_for_better_1-on-1s.pdf  Employee Handbook and
Conflict Management Policy Conflict is a normal part of the human experience and is therefore, part of the work experience. Conflict created by competition is what motivates a team to train harder, a sales executive to close more deals, and a potential job candidate to be extra prepared for the interview by doing research, practicing and building confidence. Many of our values and attitudes about conflict are learned at an early age. Our parents and family culture pass on values about conflict to us. Our relationship with conflict becomes informed by the experiences that we have growing up. When we leave the family unit, we may find ourselves both faced with conflict and challenged by the differences in values and needs others present. We may feel unprepared to deal conflict; we may be unable to recognize, manage and appreciate the differences we have with others in the workplace. A healthy workplace brings together diverse people that bring different life, education and work experiences that build the success of the business. Employees each share in the common goals of meeting the mission and vision of the organization; and each may have a different value of how to best achieve these goals. Organizations develop their own culture around conflict and how it is both expressed and managed. A healthy organization that values differences in its culture, not just in words, provides clear expectations and resources for managing conflict. This includes commitment from the executive floor to the hiring process as well as in its relationships with vendors and customers. A conflict management policy and pledge can be included in the hiring process either as part of or separate from the HR policies of the organization. The hiring process may simply include a clear statement of the organization’s acknowledgement of and the expectations for all staff in managing differences constructively. As a new hire signs all the documents, why not include a conflict management pledge? This pledge is a tool for management and the employee for establishing clear expectations of how they are expected to conduct themselves when presented with conflict and how management will respond and support. Having a system in place is key to promoting a healthy conflict management culture. Sustainable organizations already have processes in place to manage accounts receivable, POS systems, inventory, etc. A conflict management system is simply an extension of processes already in place and is woven into existing components of the operation. A conflict management system may include:
In addition to a new hire pledge, the organization can clearly define the process of managing conflict. An example:
Job descriptions may also be updated to include skills and expectations about employee experience and attitudes regarding conflict. Instead of ignoring the reality of and time it takes to manage conflict, management can rewrite job descriptions that include positive language around behaviors and time spent promoting a healthy work environment that is committed to managing conflict constructively. If you are ready to review your policies or are ready to create a conflict management policy for your organization, use these tips offered in this blog. If you are feeling overwhelmed or need more specific guidance, please utilize our expertise to help you construct a policy and process that reflects your organizations goals. We can facilitate round table discussions and brainstorming sessions, guide the creation of or edit current policies, or provide a fully customized experience. Not sure where to start? We offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation. Contact Sunny today to get started! |
Sunny Sassaman
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